"Takuya Kimura's What's Up SMAP!"

What's Up SMAP! Tonight's opening number is requested by "Lone Seagull" from Tokyo.
"I'm 24 years old and my married life has entered its third year. Congratulate me, I'm going to get divorced! You can't be too careful when you cheat. You are no exception, Takuya kun!"
Let's hear a song requested by Lone Seagull, Quincy Jones', "Ai No Corrida"

Song: Quincy Jones', "Ai No Corrida"

All right! You've heard "Ai No Corrida" by Quincy Jones.
Well yes, "Lone Seagull" says "Congratulate me, I'm going to get divorced", but it should be all right if that is something to congratulate for her, I wouldn't say anything more. I just wish her a good life.
So let's start with...Today I want to talk about a question, frequently being asked these days actually. Don't know how to tell...(strange noise)...Sorry for the weird noises. You must be hearing some strange noises like munching something...(noise going on) I am sorry. Well, now let just start.

TODAY'S FIRST MESSAGE: CALALACAY (spelling is not confirmed) FROM OSAKA

K: What is this name? (noises still going on)

"Kimura kun, good evening!"

K: Good evening!

"I enjoy your show every week. Today I'm writing this fax just wanting to know more about Fukushima kun. I've been wondering for a long time what kind of person he is, and I have various imagination about him. What really is Fukushima kun like? Please let me know."

K: So the fax says. (breathing) I'm not kidding, there are so many faxes like this these days. By any chance, he might have asked those girls walking along the streets or some groupies, "Hey, will you send this fax? I'm going to pay for that of course." (Fukushima laughs) So he could have done this whole thing all by himself.

So, Mr. Fukushima, the super manager, what would you say?

F: What do you mean? (munching)
K: Ah yeah, how relaxed you are! Still eating rice balls even after we are on air.
(Fukushima laughs)
K: So, what is inside of this rice ball?
F: Spicy cod row with mayonnaise. (munching)
K: Oh, spicy cod row with mayonnaise.
F: Yeah!
K: You're still eating...
F: It's very good!
K: and talking on air at the same time. Such a broad hearted man...
F: There are some inarizushi, too. You want some?
K: What? You have inari too?
F: Yeah!
K: Oh, how cool! What do you think? We have so many fax messages like this these days.
F: Well, you can say it is a natural course.
K: Oh I knew you would say so. Fukushima D.J. Goh seems to be getting popular slowly and steadily, but what kind of man do you think yourself are?
F: Well, it is too complicated to be said in a word.
K: I see.
F: Mmm...
K: O.K. That's it.
F: What?
K: That's it!
F: (laughing) No, I didn't...
K: I'm going to try to analyze your character in a way to reveal bit by bit what kind of person you are.
F: Ah.
K: Oh well, I'm going to breath upon your ear, so listeners will grab some ideas about you through your reaction.
What do you think you will react by having your ear breathed upon?
(Fukushima laughs)
K: What will he do? Let's see it with our own eyes. O.K. here we go!
.............
(Kimura breathes out)
F: Ohhhhh...
K: Sorry. This is how he really is. Besides he's still holding his half eaten rice ball with his hand.
(Fukushima munching, laughing)
K: Don't eat now. I told you to wait, damn it! (slapping sound)
F: (laughing) Ouch!
K: Are you serious you're eating?
F: Yes.
K: Hungry?
F: A little bit.
K: What?
(both laughing)

(Program Jingle)

Now let me read another fax here!

TODAY'S SECOND MESSAGE: OSAKA MEIBUTSU PATCHIPATCHI PUNCH! SAMU, A 24 YEARS OLD HOUSEWIFE FROM OSAKA

K: She's right about her fax name. It's such a cold (not funny) name just like this weather.

"I saw SMAP X SMAP in which 'Yaen' were the guest.#1 Did you have chances to talk with Tunnels?#2 If I'm not wrong, I haven't heard you talking about comedians very much. Don't you have any friends in comedy area? If you like, will you tell us 'Takuya and his funny comedian friends?' Also, I want you to tell us if there's any comedians you think funny recently. For your information, here in Osaka, a middle-school aged duo named 'Real Kids'...

K: Probably a duo from Yoshimoto.#3

(fax continues)
"...'Real Kids' is so popular, that's what I heard."

K: So that was the message. Yes, Yaen came to our show. That show was aired a few days ago. Of course, well, I did had a few chat with members of Yaen...and I did had some conversations with two guys of Tunnels.
You know, Yaen guys are basically staff. They are a group of TV staff, so it sure is easy to talk with them just as with D.J. Goh. Well, they surely have some kind of air as a popular group.
And I don't have to explain about Tunnels, those guys of Taka san and Nori san. We did talked a lot about many things. Nori san and I talked about surfing. Taka san and I talked a lot, such as about "Utaban", various subjects.
Oh yes, now I remembered. There once was a corner in a program, 'Team Noriders', and Nori san challenged surfing with a long board. So I asked him, "Don't you go surfing these days?", and he replied,"No, it's too cold. Do you go?" So I said,"Yes, definitely." and Nori san said "You are a such serious surfer". (laughing) I absolutely want to go surfing with Nori san someday.

But I tell you all, it was great! Because I knew Tunnels, I've been watching them on TV since the days of 'Yu Nyan'#4, I already have some kind of images about them. However, when I saw them in person, they were in a way as I had expected them to be, and at the same time so surprisingly different from what I had imagined.
Oh yes, I loved to watched that program, which name is...ah, that one..."Tunnnels no Minasan no Okage desu" and such. And what was the name? "Norider"? or "Racco Otoko (Sea Otto Man)" and some others . I watched them all. I even imitated Nori san saying "Maite Maite (wind and wind)"#5
(Takuya and Fukushima laughs)
Used to play with friends saying "Maite Maite, Taaa!" and kick somebody's back from top of the stairs in school. Oh, you good children, don't do this O.K.?

But there was one thing so disappointing. Really dissapointing thing while shooting the show.
(tong clicking)
That is...  Yaen's new song. That is incredibly cool. (Fukushima laughs) It's such a nice song, really. Just the kind of song SMAP want to sing. As you know our member are busy on their own, with Tsuyoshi doing on stages, Goro shooting for a movie, Shingo getting trained for drama, so each of us are doing different things now. And only when we shoot for SMAP X SMAP, for one or two days in a week, we all have chances to get together. And on that day, watching Yaen singing, we all, all the members of SMAP got discouraged.

So, the very song, which discouraged SMAP, and which I think would be fairly nice if sung by SMAP, I really want to do this song, all of us SMAP felt the same way.  I want you to listen to this. Yaen's "Be cool!"

Song: Yaen's "Be cool!"

(Takuya singing along with the music)
They just keep singing... damn it, I couldn't help being all for it. What a song! You've listened to "Be Cool!" by Yaen, just the right song which makes you feel nice and sing along. This is so cool! Don't you think so? Especially this part,'Be cool!'
I wish if I could show you the reaction by SMAP members when they heard this song. Everybody was discouraged. I'm serious. Everybody agreed saying, "This is what we wanted", "This is a song seriously produced".
Of course, this can be interpreted in a bad way, but you know, the members of Yaen are staff, such as decorators and set contractors, crane operators, and those members of staff wearing nice suites, dying their hair blond, dancing to the rhythm, having their CD produced. The fact they have come around in the spot light was really shocking to us. And we wanted music just like theirs. So it was a double shock, quite a strong shock to all of us. Nakai was so down especially.

(Program Jingle)

So much of a talk about Yaen and let's move on to the request from 'Osaka Meibutsu Pachi Pachi Punch! Samu'.
Here we go, 'Takuya and his funny comedian friends'
Well, come to think of it, I had a lot of chances to work with many people and I know several comedy people.
When I was a kid, say, 13 to 15 years old or so, my favorite program was, as you know, "Oretachi Hyokinzoku (We are silly family)". I didn't watch the other one, "Hachiji dayo, zenin shugo (Come together, it's eight o'clock!"). I don't know why but when I tried to watch "zenin shugo", I was chided by my parents. I didn't understand why I get chided. Because there was nothing lustful in it, I didn't know why they scold at me.

But when I changed channels to "Hyokin zoku", everyone of us watched together. We used to get excited watching 'Confession' and laughed when they get all splashed with water. We used to watch "Takechan Man' and 'Black Devil', too.

So I have some kind of traumatic experience of being scolded by watching particular show, and this is why I, all grown up, am doing radio program which should be kept out of touch by minors. (Fukushima laughs)

There are always many new faces in this industry. What was that? Real Kids? They're still in middle school? No, I don't know them. Comedy duo and middle school students? Wow, I would like to see them.
I used to like London Boots before#6, when they had an atmosphere of streetwise young guys. I really liked them.
You know, Shingo is with Woody and Amanocci of Kyaiin in "Tensei Shingo", I feel envy of him when I watch him creating a same atmosphere with two guys from completely different world. I am envious.
So when I started watching 'Tensei Shingo', I felt like work with those people, but Shingo and I are different in the characters. Who could be my partner in a show?  Can London Boots do it? Those kind of ideas used to came to my mind in those days.

Oh yes, there's Pirates.#7. (Fukushima laughs) How could I forget Pirate? Pirates! What if Pirates and I were partner in a program.... it would not be a program at all (Fukushima laughs), because we would start making out!  It would be an other kind of program, like ones of cable channels. It would be that kind of show. (laughing and breathes) No, that cannot be done.

Well, it was a long pre talk, let's move on introducing my 'funny friends'. Who can be the first one to talk about. Wait a second.
Oh yes, there's one way to start this. I will check my phone number list which were stored in my cellular phone. I think I have my cell phone in pockets of my jumper, ah yes, got it. Let's just check the phone list here. We'll see.
Imawano#8. (laughs) No he isn't a comedian. Well, he is a bit weird guy though, not a comedian. (Fukushima laughs) What's next? Sato chan? Who is Sato chan? (Fukushima laughs) Oh yes, Mr. Sato of Fuji Television. (Fukushima laughs) Sorry, my mistake. I wondered who could be 'Sato chan' because it says 'chan' here.

(breathes) Oh I got one! Sanma san!#9 I have both of his cell number and home number stored here. We are such good friends now to promise each other to have dating party together. No, we just made a promise, but have not carry it out yet!

Ah, Hiromi san. #10 He is in, isn't he? When was the first time I met him?  Was it for a TV show? Probably yes. Or perhaps, when I went somewhere with friends, he was there. I'm not sure but I think that was when we first met.
As you all know, he is interested in many things. I'm not kidding. Starting from automobiles, clothes, boats, wake board, snow board, he really does everything. No joke. He even started up his own shop recently, called "H factory". I had a chance to take a look at the shop before the opening day,  he told me, "Ah, this is a sort of my playground, and probably I will be hanging around here at night so just feel free to stop by whenever you have time".  The shop is located right between Aoyama and Nishi Azabu. It's quite a nice place in a quiet location. I liked it. They have surf boards displayed,  I mean they are not fake at all. Harley Davidson was there too. It was awesome!  He is into so many things. I wonder how he manages his time to be like that. Besides he is pretty good at almost everything, isn't he.  That really amaze me. He probably do what he wants to do without having a sleep at all, I bet.

Well, now... we listened to "Be Cool!" by Yaen and has made me envious, so this time, I'm going to show you and myself to make me feel better, to encourage myself, that SMAP is quite cool too. (laughing) I'm going to choose the song. Although I haven't say it out loud but my favorite SMAP's song is... well of course, "Yozora no Muko (Over the night sky)" is such a good song, but "Donna Ii Koto", that's the song I think is cool.
OK now, to make me feel charged, or to tell myself even SMAP is all right, (Fukushima laughs) well, I want you to listen to this song, by SMAP "Donna Ii Koto".

song: Donna Ii Koto by SMAP

All right, I'm waiting for any opinions about this program, or questions, complaints, any personal message from Hikaru Utada and all.

Well, I tell you, there are so many people I couldn't talk about this time. Next time, let's categorize differently, like actors or musicians. You never know how many friends I've got. However, I don't use hide the -memory function, really. You know, the function that you use with a secret coding. I don't use such things. Don't like it, it's nasty. I don't know about the firm which developed such things.
Do you know the latest technology? The latest version of "207". You can, for instance, speak "Goh Fukushima", and it will connect you to him! What is it called? Voice something, isn't it. What? "501" is the latest now? No kidding! I didn't know that. I really don't catch up with those kind of news. I welcome that kind of information too. Whatever you think, any interesting information, just tell me.
What? Can it tell you the balance of the bank account? Can a cellular phone do that?   "501" huh? Oh, I just got to get that one, as Takuya Kimura. (Fukushima laughs) You know I always wearing Elvis "501", so should get cellular "501", too. (tong clicking) I know that phrase sounded like an old man's joke.
So maybe around next week, I may be using "501", see you at the same time next week at "What's Up" by Takuya Kimura.

What is that? Get out here!
(music starts)

song: "Asahi wo Mini Ikoyo" by SMAP
(music fades)

foot notes

• #1 Yaen. It literally means 'wild apes'. All male group of singers and dancers, includes two members of Tunnels(see #2 below). Rest are all staff of TV variety show "Tunnels' Minasan no okage desu".
• #2 Tunnels. Basically a comedy duo. The tall guy, Taka san, is a MC along with Nakai kun of SMAP in music show "Utaban". Both are also actors.
• #3 Yoshimoto Kogyo. One of the most popular talent agent specializing in comedians based in Osaka.
• #4 Yu Nyan. An abbreviation of "Yuyake Nyan Nyan" which was a variety show aired in early 80's, from which Shizuka Kudoh and some others singers made their debut.
• #5 Norider, Racco Otoko, Maite Maite. Oh please. Don't expect me to explain them in writing. Sorry.
• #6 One of the hottest comedy duo from Yoshimoto(see #3). Tall one is Ryo, and the other is Atsushi.
• #7 Pirates. Comedy duo of two girls whose bust lines made their  dumb punch line into something laughable.
• #8 Imawano: Kiyoshiro Imawano. A great musician. Used to be a lead vocal of legendary band 'RC Succession'. Also an actor. Acted in 'Gift' with Takuya.
• #9 Sanma san. Akashiya Sanma. One of the most popular TV personality, also an actor. He does a MC of christmas special talk show with SMAP every year.
• #10 Hiromi. He's also known  as an MC rather than a comedian now.

• その２「不倫はカンニングと同じ！？」

ええ、きょう紹介された「ひとりカモメ」さんのファックスに「浮気に注意」とありましたが、この「浮気」という表現、一般的には cheat を使うことが多いようです。
例： My girlfriend appears to be cheating on me.
（なんだか、彼女に浮気されているようなんです）by 浮気調査依頼人
この cheat 、「だます、ズルをする」という意味の動詞で、テストの「カンニング」もこれを使います。浮気もカンニングも、こそこそした情けない行為ですよね。
ちなみに、「浮気男、女ったらし」は、womanizer が使われることが多いようです。
誰とでもやっちゃうような超浮気男には、軽蔑を込めて wolf とか dog とも言います。
例： Hey, I hear Takuya has more than twenty girl friends.
Gosh, he's a dog!
　
はい、最後の例文の和訳はやめておきましょうね。ＮＹのニャッコでした。

"Takuya Kimura's What's Up SMAP!"

(Music starts)
K: This is not a program of Morning Musume#1. No way! It should be After Dark Musume at this time of a day, you know.
This is Takuya Kimura's What's Up SMAP! We'll start right away with a song.
Seiko from Nagoya, 15 years old, requested "Memory: Seishun no Hikari" by Morning Musume"!

Song: Morning Musume " Memory: Seishun no Hikari"

K: All right. Tonight's opening number of Takuya Kimura's What's Up SMAP was "Memory: Seishun no Hikari" by Morning Musume."
Let me just read one fax here. No it's not the only one, there are several similar faxes. You guys really watches TV closely don't you.

Here we go, the first one.

TODAY'S FIRST MESSAGE: Utchie from Zama

"Takuya kun, I recently watched the TV program of 'M Station' aired two weeks ago"

K: M Station? Ah, Music Station she means.

"I saw you. I saw you and Shingo clapping hands behind Asuka Fukuda, a member of Morning Musume, when she was talking about her decision to quit the group. What was the intention behind the applauding? Or were you guys just being frisky cats?"

K: Mmm, there's another one here, it says something similar.

TODAY'S SECOND MESSAGE: Yokocci 25 years old

"You were clapping your hands behind Asuka of Morning Musume in the program of 'Music Station', weren't you. What on earth were you doing when she was talking about her graduation from the group? Are you a fan of Morning Musume or what?"

K: Well, that's the second fax, but I'm amazed how closely you both watches TV.
Certainly, I remember what I did then. Applauding, that's what I did!
I know this can be interpreted in various ways, but at that moment when Asuka said that she would quit the group, I just felt, "Gee, what a gutsy girl she is!"
As far as I know, Morning Musume is really a major hit with a support from Tsunku#2, a producer. In that situation, she said she had tried to combine her two big responsibilities but had found it too difficult to go on. "I wanna do what I've got to do now" she said, and told the end of March, no, April 18 would be her last day in the group. "This girl's so cool" I thought, I just couldn't help applauding.

As you all know, there was a equally cool guy in SMAP before, and off course I sent him off with applaud.

Asuka has something common with him and I thought then, "Hey, she's so cool"so I applauded.
But I don't know about Shingo, to be honest. He could have seen me applauding and thought, "What's going on? Should I clap hands, too" and then just automatically did so.

(A tong clicking sound) So April 18th's going to be her last day. (A sound of breathing)What would I do? Shall I fill in the opening of the group?
Well there's always these kind of guys. In fact there were some around me! When Mori quit, some guys like a dull member of TV crew or middle aged men said "Maybe I should fill in for Mori", and made me feel like punching them in their noses.

Well, I'm no different from those middle aged, I must say, to have said suchthings myself.

I want to tell you, all the members of Morning Musume, although Asuka may not be with you, I'm wishing your success. I will be wishing, in secret, somew here far from you. Good luck you all! (Applauding)

(Program Jingle)

K: O.K. now, (A tong clicking sound) let's go to the theme I've been talking about, and asking for messages for, since the last show. Here we go!

Takuya Kimura reveals vicious gossips from around the world! (with echo)
(Fanfare starts then suddenly stop)
(In a calm tone of voice) That was my plan. Really. To everyone of you listening to my show, I am sorry. Terribly sorry. The reason why I, Takuya Kimura, is apologizing all of a sudden is...
(A sound of tong clicking) Last week, I asked people outside Japan who know this program through internet, "Please tell me any bad rumors about me if any"
Well I apologize. I and all the members of staff here did not know the critical thing until recently!
(A sound of tong clicking) The point is that there's a home page on internet in which you can read every single words I say on this program.

For this home page, some people transcript literally every thing I utter, just like these meaningless words I'm blabbering right now, and it should reas onably takes a week or about 10 days to finish the work.
This program is already a long one, a half an hour, and I get things like "What the hell do you think to jibber that much?" or "You just talk too much,just like Tatsuro Yamashita"#3
Normally, a radio personality would talk just a few words and smoothly moves on like,"Here's another song". That's the FM style.
But I must be talking so much that someone would say "Now you tell me if this is not AM. Knock it off!"
So, (chuckles) It is supposed to take a long time to make every single words I say into writing.
Well, let me tell you, there must be some persons, who listen to recorded tapes again and again , thinking "Oh yuck,...this Kimura's voice, so much like a pervert. How am I supposed to make them in writing?" and still take the troubles to transcript those words, tapping keyboard.

I truly am grateful, for those persons must be taking a tremendou troubles and hard work, I think. I am sorry.

So, even if I called out for messages, the transcript was not ready yet, so naturally there is no fax here.
Why didn't we realize sooner? Use your brain, man.

Anyway, such is the situation. I will have to postpone this project.

But believe it or not, there was a savior. Really, there was one like an angel.
We've got only one fax, here we go.

>From Canon, Singapore. Wow, such a far away land. Singapore, everybody, Sing apore!

TODAY'S THIRD MESSAGE: Takako from Singapore

"Hi, How do you do? I'm Takako living in Singapore. I've been living here for almost a year enjoying occasional two-nights trip to Bali and good waves.
I bet you envy me, don't you."

K: So she wrote. Gosh how nice! I wonder what she does, living in Singapore enjoying frequent carefree two-nights trips to Bali. I smell danger, Takako!
Seems like she has some secrets, something like other side of the world though I'm not sure. Let's just go on.

"My sister in Japan told me that Takuya wanted to know how far his 'bad rumors' had spread in the world and had asked listeners for messages about them.
So I 'fired off' my very first fax message to you! Here in Singapore, SMAP is really popular among Japanese around me. I still haven't had a chance to rent a "Kouhaku Utagassen" video because those are always rented out already.
Your dramas are popular, too. Japanese girls' talk goes like this, 'Just the look of his eyes can almost make me come!"

K: Hey hey, this is not a made-up. I'm just reading faithfully to the fax. I hope everybody's cool about this.

"Talking about bad rumors about Takuya, what is spreading around in Singapore is (a tong clicking sound) (in a louder voice with an echo) Takuya Kimura has many girl friends which includes one foreigner!" (echo ends and the tone of voice returns to normal) that's what I hear. (A tong clicking sound) That's why you are so good at English because you get lessons between the sheets. Tell us the truth"

K: So you heard. This is the fax from Singapore, heartwarming or heartfreezing, it is something that prickles my pride with pointy words.

Yeah, I'm relieved to have this fax in fact. Without this, today's program could not have existed. This girl, Takako from Singapore, Takako ! (clapping hands) I will applaud for you! It's fabulous! As fabulous as Asuka Fukuda of Morning Musume. (still clapping) Let's give her a big hand!

(A tong clicking sound. A deep breath) God I really am saved. Honest. I am grateful to Takako so I would answer to her question, her very first fax fired off from Singapore, truly and honestly.

O.K. A foreign girl friend... right now... well,...more or less... I would like to have one! (hissing sound of laughter) Very much! I want one. I'm really being frank with you all. I am so being frank that I think nobody speaks so frankly to the public on the radio as I do now.
Well, the answer is no. I don't have any!

So there's a rumor that I have a lot of girl friends. I myself want many! (hissing sound of a laughter) Again I am being too honest. Sorry!
Answer is no!
But gosh, (a tong clicking sound) wouldn't it be nice? Well, after all, to have a girl friend with green eyes or blue eyes, (a deep breath) all right.

Before I forget, (a tong clicking sound) I have to mention about Hawaiian girls. They are so cute, damn it!

Am I right, or not? Judging from the fact that this kind of fax was sent to me, I assume celebrities abroad, such as actors and singers, are thought to have many girl friends. That mays be an image people have about celebrities,but it is different in Japan.
Well Japan is...maybe I'm talking too big to say Japan as a whole...but in fact it is different in Japan. It is more modest than you may think. It is so modest and dull that I would say, "Can we just have more fun? Can we?"

And in an exceptionally rare cases when I try to have a little fun, believe it or not, there are the guys. I'm talking about the guys holding heavy came ras with huge lenses.
(Laughing) Why don't they leave me alone, damn it.
I think those guys are probably having more fun than I am. Honestly, gimme a break

.(Program jingle)

K: Let me read a fax that can make us happy. This fax is fairly long.

TODAY'S FOURTH MESSAGE: bono from Hokkaido

K: What is this "bono" name? Is this supposed to be the Italian word "buono"which means good food? Don't they say "buono" in Italian when they like the food?
Well let's just go on.

(a breath)
"Takuya kun and Goh kun, good evening! "

K: Uh oh, right now, DJ Goh has stepped out for some shopping. (laughing voice from some staff nearby)
Sorry to disappoint you, but he has gone as far as Hatagaya. So I'm all alone right now. (a breath) Good evening! I will just return the word.

(fax goes on)
"Your last program really made me laugh. At first I listened with an earphone and tried hard not to laugh at loud, but my husband asked me 'What's so funny?', so I let him share the earphone with me saying, 'Listen to this. It's absolutely funny.'
My husband said, 'His English is worse than mine.'
(high-pitched laughing voice of Takuya)
I think however, it is good enough if you can at least communicate in it. Your shyness when you called to Tower Records in New York made me laugh so hard and I thought I could die of breathlessness. I imagine that you must have been so tensed-up. How cute! (a laugh) Your attitude of plunging into an adventure even if you know that you are not good at it, is something important for us when we learn a new thing. Especially in these days, your influence doesn't stay within the border but spreading far around the world, I wish you continue off selling your privacy by talking frankly on this radio."

K: Not 'off selling', but 'selling off'!
(a laugh of others nearby)
She meant to say 'Continue selling off!'

Talking abut the rumors gathering project which I called out through internet...
The fax says..

"Most of your listeners (readers) outside Japan know that home page as an only source of information to react. No matter how much you called out in English on the radio, they cannot receive the wave abroad. This time, on top of usual hard work and skill of their report team, that home page is going to provide the radio report (in a loud voice) both in English and in Japanese!"

K: So it says, but could it be true? You mean that home page, which makes transcriptions of this program.
Oh, wow! Now I see. For those who cannot read Japanese, they would make English version of the transcriptions. What a brave idea!

This could be by chance 'three way broadcast.' Let's give them a big hand! (applauding)
A big hand for them as well as Asuda Fukuda of Morning Musume!

What? What now? Looks like I have a letter from staff here. Oh yes, this one. This is fairly dangerous, a letter from staff.

"Takuya, as you know your fans are very considerate and gutsy to make transc riptions in English. Why don't you show everybody your fluency in English? Here are numbers of Tower Records in Washington DC, Texas and Hollywood. Call one of these numbers and ask them if they know about SMAP, and if they have SMAP's CD in stock, in English for once"

(back ground music. serious mood with timpani drumming)

K: (murmuring) Gimme a break will you..

.(a letter continues)
"For your information, this time we take it into consideration of the time difference, so you will not get the answering machine. (a tong clicking) Now do it!"

K: (murmuring) Gimme a break! No kidding will you? No, they don't have SMAP's CD, I tell ya.
(staff laughing)
Are you guys serious that I have to do it?
Well then, let me choose the city.... the most familiar city for me... in the United States.... so many states there... if I must make one choice... could it be Texas? well I've been to Colorado nearby.
(phone ringing)
Gosh it's really ringing. Oh my, I hate this sound!
Wait a second! What should I say? I should start with 'Hello!' then what? What's the next words? Waaaa!

(somebody takes the phone)
(following conversations are actually made in English)
guy: Tower records.
K: Uh, excuse me.
(Tower records guy hangs up)
K: Mm? Excuse me. Hello! (screaming) Hello!

(in Japanese)
Don't you dare do that.
(banging a pen to a desk)
How could anyone hang up a phone like that right after saying "Tower Records ". Normal people don't do that.
(staff laughing)

OK, I'll try again! I hate to lose, you know. I've been swimming in this ind ustry as an unbeatable. Just once more, I'll try.

(phone ringing. somebody takes the phone)
(following conversations are actually made in English)
Guy: Tower Records.
K: Excuse me.
Guy: Tower Records!
K: Uh, do you have SMAP's CD?
Guy: We're closed!
K: Closed?
Guy: Yeah!
K: What means?
Guy: We're closed! You need to call back tomorrow!
K: OK!
Guy: OK?
K: OK!
Guy: All right!
K: Thank you!
(hangs up the phone)

(in Japansese)
What am I saying thank you for? You guys did considered about the time difference, didn't you. Hey, you!
(slapping the letter from staff)
They're closed they say. I was told to call again tomorrow! Oh my!
(staff laughing)
What's going on, Tower Records? (laughing) Cut a break! All right already! I'm pissed off!
Well now, I will dare to call Washington D.C., capitol of the USA. Serious!
I think I can manage this time. Not much time difference I think, or is the earth spinning that fast?
(staff laughing)
All right, let's give it a try. Yeah if I call Hollywood they must be closed too. It must be night there already. D.C.! That's the place I should call be cause of the time difference!

(phone ringing)
That was cruel wasn't it to say "closed!"
(staff laughing)
Closed already! (imitating the voice on the phone?) Call us again in the morning
.(phone still ringing)
Get the phone, will ya? Hey DC, are you trying to get away?
(phone still ringing)
Hey yo! You can't do that to me, Tower Records!
(stil ringing)
They won't get it I bet. D.C. got away. They're scared of me.
(ringing)
They are really scared.

All right! I've made up my mind to call the world famous Hollywood! Hollywood has to show us some kind of reaction. I'll be damned if they don't.

(staff must have dialed the Texas number by mistake)
I told you the Texas is closed! Remember? They are CLOSED. Well maybe I can speak to somebody but still it would be such a harassing call, if you dialled that again.
(staff laughing)
Probably they have finished checking the inventory and say,"well, that's it for today, shall we go somewhere?" and in the middle of the happy conversations between the employees, what if a phone rings again, they would hate it.
No, don't! You don't have to call Texas.

(phone rings again)
Hey! I'm telling you guys...my staff are really a pain in the....

(somebody takes a phone)
(Actual English conversations)
Woman: Tower Records, hello!
K: Excuse me. Excuse me.
Woman: Yes?
K: Do you have SMAP's CD?
Woman: Call back we're closed. Call back tomorrow.
(hangs up)

(staff laughing)
(in Japanese)
Yo! Yo! Yo! I told you I didn't like this. Not again. What did I get? "Call back. Call back tomorrow," then hangs up!
Oh...this is America isn't it. They don't do this in Japan normally. America ns do just the same even if Michael Jackson called them, I think. Yeah probably, it would be the same if Tetsuya Komuro called them.#4

(Door slamming)
(Actual English conversations)
Fukushima: Hello! (laughing) Hello!
(staff laughing)
K: Hello!
F: Hello!
K: Who are you?
F: Super manager! (staff laughing)
K: What means? Pardon?
(in Japanese)
F: (laughing) Well the traffic was so heavy...
K: I didn't ask about the traffic. Who are you?
F: Fukushima, yes!
K: Not that "Fukushima, yes", I told you.

Oh well, let me read another fax.
"Fukushima kun, Kimura kun, good evening!"

F: Oh, good evening!
K: Make a quick reply, quickly, damn it!
F: Good evening! (laughing) Good evening..Ah!
K: Your name is stated even before me, you know.
F: O.K.

(fax goes on)
"Fukushima kun, Kimura kun, good evening!"

F: Good evening!
K: (sulking) Good evening!

(fax goes on)
"Fukushima kun, do you want to go watching a sun rise with me? I want to request a song, a new single from SMAP,'Asahi wo Mini Ikanai'"#5

K: Heard it right?
F: Ah...

(fax goes on)
"I know the correct title is 'Asahi wo mini ikouyo', but Fukushima kun is my type!"

K: (sulking) So she says, "radio name 'Fukushima kun's girl friend'"
F: Ah...
K: Her address is Minami Kasai Edogawa Ku....
F: (whispering) a bit too far..
K: What's this 'Asahi wo mini ikanai'? What is this request?
F: A request for a song 'Asahi wo mini ikanai?'
K: 'Asahi wo mini ikanai?' What is this?
F: A new single from SMAP.
K: That is 'Asahi wo mini ikouyo'
F: You can call it that way, too.
K: Those behavior of yours on radio publicly (breathing) ...since you said 'do you want to go with me?', the sales of the song have been faltering too.
F: (laughing) No no, that's not true....

(music starts)
F: Please listen to a song, SMAP, "Asahi wo mini iku Piii!" (laughing)
(Takuya laughing)
F: Piii! How was it?
K:(still laughing) Hell, I couldn't stop laughing against my will.
So this is it! See you next week in this program "What's up" presented by Takuya Kimura and...

F: Ah, Goh Fukushima!
K: Not quick enough. (angrily)

Second song: SMAP "Asahi wo mini ikouyo"

end..

Footnotes

• #1 Morning Musume: All-girl singers and dancers group. The name literally me ans "Morning Girls". Have several smashing hits since their debut.

• #2 Tsunku: A lead vocalist of Sharan Q and producer of many hit songs.

• #3 Tatsuro Yamashita: A singer song writer. Wedded to Mariya Takeuchi who sa
  ng the theme song of "Nemureru Mori (Sleeping Forest)"

• #4 Tetsuya Komura: Probably a most known name as a Japanese pop music producer.

• #5 Asahi wo mini Ikouyo: Means 'Let's go watch the sunrise" A sender of the
  fax changed intentionally to 'Do you wanna go watch the sunrise with me?'.

• その１（その２はあるのかい？）題して「Excuse me」はけっこうややこしい。

街で知らない人を呼び止める時、日本語でいう「あの、すいません」にあたるのが御存じ "Excuse me" ですが、これがけっこうややこしいのです。
この場合は、相手の関心をこちら側に向けるための excuse me で、 me に向かって音が下がります。
ところが、excuse me? というふうに、me を上げて疑問文風に言うと、「え、今なんて言ったの？」という意味になるのです。

みなさん、もうお分かりですね。（古畑きどりで）
ええ、木村君は実に礼儀正しい人なので、タワーレコードの店員さんに話かける時に、いきなり用件を切り出さずに、「あの、すみませんが」のつもりでexcuse meと言っています。
これが、店員には「あん？なんだって？」に聞こえ、間違い電話と思って切ってしまったのではないか、と私は推理しております。

話をもとに戻して（笑）、excuse me は、「ちょっとあんた邪魔よ、どいてよ」と言いたい時にも使えます。この場合は、「あの、すみません」の時と同じように文末は下げますが、ドスを効かせないと効果がありません。

Hell, I’m sounding middle-aged! But really, no matter how many times I listen to her she’s great. The whole feeling, the way she uses her voice-- SMAP should take a leaf out of her book!
What do you think? How d’you like it?
Fukushima : So-so.
K : (menacingly) I’ll see you outside, afterwards. Anyway, somehow this program gets quite a few questions I’m sure someone else could answer just as well, so I’ll introduce one of them to you now. From fax-name Kumiko of Aomori Prefecture, 14 years old:“Good evening!” That’s right, good evening. “Your program’s always lively with a lot of smutty talk, and I find myself getting into the swing of it as well, but to be honest, I’d like to know what a condom (choking on laughter) is. My friends all clam up when I ask them. Please tell me.”

So that’s that. Now, somehow this program seems to be getting more and more international. This week we’ve received another fax from Hong Kong-- we seem to get more from Asia than from anywhere else-- a whole lot from places in Asia-- a fax has reached us from Hong Kong, but it’s written all in English. English, you know? So this time our “Super Manager” Fukushima Goh will read the original English message, and I’ll apply my English ability to a spot of simultaneous interpreting! Okay?
F : Okay.
K : Read it properly. Properly. I mean, if your pronunciation’s up the creek, I won’t be able to interpret it.
F : Don’t worry. My English is great.
K : There speaks the voice of Asia University!
F : Well--
K : (wolfish whistle) Right, then, read the original fax out loud, please. Simultaneous interpreting, right?
F : Um.
K : Here we go! You’re on!
F : What, right now-- ?
K : You’re on!
F : “Hello, Kimutaku.”
K : (in a girlish tone) Hello, Kimutaku.
F : “I am”-- “I’m”-- uh-- wait--
K : Hey!(angry tone, but then chuckles)
F : “I’m your super fans in Hong Kong.”
K : I’m a girl in Hong Kong who’s a great fan of yours.
F : “Do you know you have a lot of fans in Hong Kong?”
K : Do you know you’ve got a lot of fans in Hong Kong?
F : (stiltedly)
“Everyone-- must-- know-- who-- you-- are-- especially-- after-- your-- films-- ”
K : Who’ve you become? You better go to that conversation school outside the station [reference to a well known TV advert.]
F : I thought I read it quite smoothly.
K : Smoothly my foot! You call that-- did you really go to university? I've only got a high school degree, you know.
F : The print--
K : Don’t blame it on the print. It’s lovely. You’re no good at all. Doesn’t even bear discussing! How can I interpret if you don’t read it properly? And I mean properly.
F : Um.
K : My English is more like a Native Americans, you know. I’ve got an Indian name and--
F : Oh. So you can converse perfectly in English, as long as the other person’s fluent as well?
K : Converse?
F : Converse.
K : Sure I can.
F : Hmm.
K : If I was facing someone like that. Unfortunately, right now there’s only you.
F : I see. Then could you read this? A note from the staff.
K : Note? Note?  What note? God, why do you always spring things on me? “Ring Tower Records New York Branch on Broadway, the home of music. Ask if they stock SMAP CDs, or if they have heard of SMAP.” Ask whom? Phone Tower Records!? You’re joking. This just isn’t on!
F : Native.
K : What?
F : Native, you said.
K : Are you insulting Native Americans? Look, we’re supposed to read this fax, aren’t we? What about the Hong Kong girl’s fax? Poor thing! I want to treasure these feelings my fans have for me! Right, I’ll read the rest myself.

“But-- ” “But”! What’s this “But”! “can you tell me when will you come to Hong Kong?” (Plaintively) But we can’t talk to you. Can’t talk to you at all. When are you coming to Hong Kong? Something like that. “Your super fans are waiting for you”-- and what’s this?-- what’s it say here?
F : Huh?-- “In-clu-ding”.
K : “Including”-- “me”?
F : “Me.”
K : So it’s-- “Your super fans are waiting for you”-- We’re waiting for you,  myself included. “Moreover, I always enjoy “What’s Up” by internet. That’s a great”-- Hm? What’s this?
F : “Fun-- ”
K : “function”! “-- function and become international.”

K : About that all-English fax Fukushima Goh tried to read just now-- this one?-- Yeah, this one, from Hong Kong. The first bit’s not quite right-- “Hello, Kimutaku” it says-- but, well, what with this program being heard and viewed by all sorts of people all over the world, there’s one thing I want to say, and I thought maybe I should say it in English. So open your ears wide and listen: NO KIMUTAKU!! I DON'T LIKE this nickname “Kimutaku”! Call me Takuya, (lowering his tone)pleeeese!!!

K : This is “ Kimura Takuya’s What’s Up SMAP” on Tokyo FM, brought to you through 35 local stations nationwide.

Watching “Takenozuka”, in Boston, is a bit fanatical. Boston, you know, Boston. Isn’t this program getting a bit out of hand? Quite international. We’ve had some amazing ones in the past-- like Paraguay in South America-- Hong Kong-- Boston-- Wow, we’re going continental! Conquering the continent. That’s a good one, conquering the continent. I’d like that. Filling in the continents one by one. I don’t suppose there’s anyone in Antarctica... Do you think we can get the Arctic Expedition Party to listen? You go and ask.
F : What?
K : The Arctic Expedition Party. Ask them if they’re listening. Ask them. Please?
F : Aye, aye, captain.
K : Why d’you say it so insincerely? Oh well, I’m sure there aren’t many programs where someone’s always peddling slices of his private life this much. I’d be happy if the huge number of people overseas who’re viewing this on the internet keep the faxes and postcards rolling in. Do write.

People don’t usually take such actions themselves, do they? Well, I’m doing it. Through this program... Look, why have I got to do something like this? It’s only the staff who want to do it , right? I don’t want to. What if there really are nasty things going around? I won’t like it. Like people in Boston saying “Actually, he can’t play the piano at all, you know”, “In ’Long Vacation’ he goes abroad to study, but he can’t really play”... I don’t want there to be nasty rumours. I know, why don’t we ask for both? If we’re doing it at all. Nasty rumours, fine, but nice rumours too, like, “Oh, he really is full of localism [That’s what he said. Beats me what he meant.] wherever he goes”-- really good things.

Anyhow, both nice and nasty rumours-- not that I can’t guess which there’d be more of-- on faxes and postcards, faxes and postcards from all over the world, please. I’ll be looking forward to reading them. If you’re sending a postcard, address it to “Kimura Takuya’s What’s Up SMAP”, Tokyo FM, Tokyo 102-8080, Japan. Faxes to 81-3-3221-1800. But my rattling it off like this in Japanese won’t mean much to people overseas, so I’d like to convey my feelings in English, the global language. Ahem! Ahem! Okay? Ladies and gentlemen, I want many good rumours. I don’t like bad rumours about me, you know. I like-- I love good rumours. And please, EVERYBODY! How’s my English, Fukushima-kun?
F : Good?
K : What is?
F : Your English is better than I expected.
K : Than you expected?
K : Unexpectedly good.
(“Hitoeki Arukou” starts playing in the background)
K : In that case, the address in English -- I think it’ll mostly be faxes-- could you give the fax number in English once more? Tell all the countries in the world.
F : Um, Tokyo 03--
(thwack!)
F : Ouch!
K : Honestly, what the hell are you playing at? I said “in English”, didn’t I?
F : Oh, English. English? The numbers in English, too?
(music rises)

Song : SMAP “Hitoeki Arukou”

Unlike the Japanese transcription, this English version does not contain everything  uttered on the program, though omissions have been restricted to onomatopeaia and non-verbal exclamations. Every effort has been made to retain the meaning, tone and nuance of what was said. I hope readers will forgive the unconscious Britishisms that might have crept in. The italics are things that were actually said in English. These appear exactly as they were spoken. Background noises and such are given in plain brackets. The notes in [  ] are mine.